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Post by starrea on Apr 19, 2020 1:56:26 GMT
If there was one thing they made sure she remembered, it was what she had done. It was the only thing about her childhood that came forth easily. Nothing could compare to the high of how indestructible she was... she watched cities, towns, and people crumble beneath her. But those memories were the only ones of her time pre-Paragon. She couldn’t even remember where she used to live or who took care of her. When she tried to push past the mental wall, there was more nothing. No anxiety, no disjointed memories, just nothing - as if there was really nothing to remember. The only thing that she was sure of was that her name was Cyra and someone had given her that name before Paragon.
“They tried to make me regret what I’d done...” The pieces were finally falling into place. Even as a young child, Cyra didn’t care much about the damage she caused. She just shrugged her shoulders because shit happened but life moves on and that’s just the way it was. It was all worth it for the rush she felt. She was a stupid kid, she should have told them she was sorry.
Her shakes finally quieted and she closed her eyes. She could hear voices telling her that what she did was wrong and that she was bad. They kept yelling and yelling and yelling and now that Cyra finally heard them, she couldn’t quiet them.
“Sorry for making you kill someone.” The apology felt hollow and she wasn’t sure if she meant it but it was a start. She still didn’t look at him, still couldn’t look at him, so she kept her unfocused gaze aimed at the grave.
“They told me that you were going to make sure I never did anything bad again. And I remember thinking that you didn’t look so bad. You didn’t look like them, you didn’t look like you’d hurt me.” She mused quietly. Now that she had cracked the wall that kept these memories sealed off, they were slowly trickling out but they were mostly feelings or bits of conversation. The colors still all blurred together into an unfocused, abstract mess she had yet to decipher.
“What do we do now?” She finally asked as the silence hung between them. She didn’t know how to move forward and the fear that Destrian was just going to get up wrapped around her lungs, threatening to squeeze all the air out. She held her breath, trying to be as still as the dead man laying six feet under their feet.
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Post by Val on Apr 19, 2020 19:40:39 GMT
Destrian felt her apology flood him with barely suppressed emotions, finally reaching the top of the dam he'd created and splashing over the edges, threatening to break the wall with a torrent that he wasn't quite prepared to let loose. He had to let something out to prevent the overflow.
"But I did hurt you," he whispered, his body as rigid as a statue. He hadn't hurt her in a physical sense, but he had done arguably worse by leaving her in that cave. Admitting his failures was seemingly more difficult than snapping a neck, but he continued, "I'm sorry for abandoning you." The rising waters finally calmed as he let the apology escape him. It was anything but hollow; rather, it was heavy with regret and guilt and self hatred that he carried every day.
He closed his eyes and allowed his tired muscles to finally relax. He didn't care if she accepted the words, it was enough for him to have voiced them honestly. "I don't know. I have things I need to take care of. The kingdom is falling to shit and I don't intend to be there when that happens."
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Post by starrea on Apr 20, 2020 22:49:45 GMT
Now that Cyra wasn’t solely focused on her anger, she realized just how little she knew about her own life. A sudden realization crashed over like ice cold water, sending cold shockwaves down to her core - if she hadn’t known that could survive without food and water, how could Destrian have known? That meant when he marched her up the mountain all those years ago, he left her to die. She opened her mouth to ask him but the words got stuck in her throat and she swallowed them back down.
His apology shocked her so much that she jerked her gaze from the grave to stare at Destrian with wide eyes, studying his face to make sure that he had actually said those words. Based on how he acted after he freed her, she hadn’t been holding her breath for an apology. She had spent years dreaming of this very moment, picturing those very words come out of his mouth, and the satisfaction that would undoubtably come with it. But there was no satisfaction. Everything that his apology was supposed to fix, all the anger and pain she harbored, it was still there.
“Thank you,” She murmured, looking away when she realized he actually meant it. She didn’t respond one way or another to the rest of what Destrian said. His plan hadn’t included her and after this, she needed to try and sort through her head. The task ahead was daunting, especially since she was facing it alone. But he hadn’t abandoned her, not yet anyway, and she clung to that fact like it was her lifeline.
“You should have mentioned that killing you might also kill me. I wouldn’t have tried to murder you.” Her attempt at humor was cringe-worthy but something had changed between them and she didn’t know how to navigate their newfound relationship.
“Do you know anything else about me? From back then?’’ Cyra asked hurriedly before she lost the courage. Even though there was remarkably less hostility between them, he was still basically a stranger to her.
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Post by Val on Apr 21, 2020 19:32:52 GMT
Destrian didn't respond to the remark about her murderous plot. He hadn't wanted to hold the possibility of death over her head. He had hoped she would've made the decision to spare him on her own, but that turned out not to be the case. Even if there had been a sudden shift between them, he still harbored distrust when it came to Cyra.
He sighed when she pried for more information, already feeling overwhelmed from the long buried memories he'd dug up. He felt himself starting to shut down, but something in her voice spurred him to try and appease her, "Mostly what they told me. They found you amongst the rubble of a town you'd destroyed. You were alone..." he trailed off as images of his own childhood intruded his thoughts. They were always vague snippets. It was as if the Paragon had done their best to remove his past identity for good.
"They never referred to you as human. I suspect it was to erase our empathy for you." Although much of what they said held truth, Destrian knew that the people had been master manipulators. The effects of their conditioning still controlled his life, no matter how hard he tried to work past it.
He shook his head suddenly, wanting the thoughts to go away, "I know it's hard to remember things, but sometimes it's best to just forget. Our minds do it to protect us."
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Post by starrea on Apr 21, 2020 20:13:52 GMT
At first, Destrian’s story made no sense because there was no reason as to why she would have ended up unconscious in the path of her own destruction. But there was something familiar about it, something that made her believe him. She wracked her brain, trying to force the memory into her consciousness, but it didn’t work. Whatever happened that day, some part of Cyra was determined to keep it buried.
She glanced at Destrian, recognizing that he was beginning to shut down, and nodded. Whatever had happened was something buried deep in Cyra’s subconscious, and it was there for a reason. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to go unearthing skeletons. Her mind relaxed as she stopped trying to probe for buried memories.
“I’ll... I don’t know, stay out of the way. For real, this time.” She offered. She didn’t try and push Destrian for more. Instead, with one last look at the grave, she pushed herself to her feet. “And I won’t try to kill you again.” She added even though it probably didn’t need to be said. It suddenly felt suffocatingly awkward between them and she kept her gaze averted as she waited for whatever Destrian decided. The weight of everything collapsed onto her and it made her want to si back to the ground but she would wait until Destrian left to fall apart.
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Post by Val on Apr 22, 2020 20:49:43 GMT
Destrian remained still for several seconds after Cyra stood up, giving himself a moment to regain his stoicism. Although this conversation had turned out to be productive, he found the process torturous. Realizing that she was waiting for him to move, he finally stood up and turned back toward the house, "All of this remains between us," he told her firmly.
Feeling confident that she meant what she was saying, Destrian brushed past her, exiting the forest and leaving the grave behind. His panther appeared out of the undergrowth like a shadow and dogged his footsteps silently as he passed the scene of the murder without a second glance and disappeared into the cabin.
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