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Post by starrea on Jul 23, 2020 3:22:29 GMT
Roman noticed the flinch but it hardly registered. To some extent, he still felt like a outside spectator, watching the interaction between the two from above. It was easy to see how damaged he truly was from outside of himself; how much pain and guilt he had unknowingly hung onto all of these years. Roman had done such a good job locking away all of his misery that he had forgotten it was even there until Caspian waltzed into his life and unlocked each and every secret he had tried to keep stowed away. Part of him resented that; felt bitter about all of the memories he had dredged up, all of the sorrows and guilt he had carefully repressed. But another part of him was grateful - it was enlightening and disturbing to realize how little he knew himself.
Roman had only expected a comforting squeeze of the hand at most, and the hug took him by surprise. It was exactly what he needed to ground himself and he suddenly felt connected to himself again, able to experience the moment as himself. At first, Roman tensed up. He wasn't used to physical displays of affection, but so much had happened in the past hour or so that he wasn't accustomed to that it didn't take long for him to melt into Caspian's arms. He wrapped his arms around Caspian, pulling him close until their bodies melded up against one another as one and locked his arms, refusing to let him go. He couldn't let him go; Caspian was his anchor, and without him, he was scared of falling apart all over again.
Caspian's question would have normally spent Roman spiraling, but after his breakdown, he felt unusually calm. His thoughts had finally slowed down and he was surprised that the question didn't even spike his anxiety. He seemed to have maxed out all of his emotions during his panic attacks and now he was left blissfully calm.
"Roman," He murmured after a second, "Two boys died that day. Roman, my namesake, and the boy I used to be. For better or worse, I'm Roman now."
He still hadn't told Caspian his old name and he wasn't sure that he wanted to. It was uncomfortable to think of himself as Soren; all he associated with that name was the brutal training he had undergone under the guidance of his mentor and it wasn't something he wanted to think of. Soren had been a little bit of a disappointment; never the best at anything, never good enough to stand out. It wasn't until he became Roman that he finally reached his full potential, finally made something of himself. Roman was his true identity, even if it belonged to someone else for the first 13 years.
As he held Caspian, he had so much he wanted to say. Suddenly, all of the things that he needed to keep concealed, all of the burdens he needed to bear alone, were now easily accessible and even more, he wanted to share them with Caspian. But sharing didn't come naturally to him and even though he was finally ready to do it, he didn't know how. He felt like he should apologize again, apologize for being so screwed up, apologize for trying to kill him in a moment of insanity, apologize for being a piece of shit, but the word wouldn't come for that either. Just saying sorry felt inadequate and he had a feeling that he would never fully be able to atone for his mistakes.
"Thank you," He finally whispered, his arms tight around Caspian, "for not giving up on me." Words would never convey the gratitude Roman felt in that moment as he truly appreciated the infinite amount of Caspian's patience. Caspian had wrecked through all of Roman's walls and seen the monstrosity that he worked so hard to keep hidden and he hadn't run. For the first time in Roman's life, he was ready to completely and selflessly commit himself to someone else.
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Post by Val on Jul 24, 2020 4:23:08 GMT
Caspian found himself relieved when Roman decided to maintain his namesake. The man he knew was named Roman, and he felt no need for his birth name to be revealed. Growth did not mean letting go of the past completely, it meant learning from it and actively becoming better. They were both undergoing a transformation, and Caspian was sure that his life would never be simple again. He accepted that fate, because he had been hiding from the past for so long that he'd detached himself from it entirely. Whereas Roman had been a victim of abuse and manipulation, Caspian was convinced that he had caused most of his own problems- and that was something he had yet to forgive himself for.
After the intensity of the night's events, he felt himself melting into the comfort of Roman's arms. Despite being fearful moments ago, he felt undeniably safe now, as though a simple touch between them was able to alleviate the uncertainty. He squeezed his eyes shut as Roman thanked him, feeling almost undeserving of the gratitude. Despite their series of breakthroughs, guilt was something that Caspian struggled to shed, especially after how their confrontation had started off. Instead of voicing his doubts, Caspian only gave him a squeeze, "I'll never give up, so long as you don't."
The moment was beautiful and life-changing, but nothing lasted forever. Caspian spotted a small light approaching in the distance and it took several second before he registered what it was. A patrol was circling the perimeter of the castle with a lantern in hand, and they happened to be sitting directly on the route. Caspian forced himself to pull away, though he remained close, studying Roman's eyes which were tinged red from tears, "One of your patrols," he whispered, nodding in their direction.
The absolute last thing Caspian needed was a confrontation by the assholes that had denied him at the gate. Neither of them were in an adequate mental state to handle that. Gathering one of Roman's hands into his, he gave it a squeeze, "Where do you want to go?" he asked quietly, his only expectation being that they remained together. He was insistent upon leaving the decisions up to Roman, and found himself longing for the moment when the man's controlling nature returned and Caspian wasn't the one that had to keep pushing and pushing. Caspian had become bold lately in his attempts to crack Roman open, but now he felt drained and was in desperate need of a break.
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Post by starrea on Jul 25, 2020 2:59:46 GMT
It wasn't until Caspian pulled away that Roman nearly collapsed with exhaustion. Roman could only ever remember crying three times in his life; once when Roman was very young and very sick and he had overheard his pastor telling his mother that he was going to die, the first time he had been beaten in hand-to-hand combat in training and realized that he wasn't unbeatable, and this time. This breakdown exceeded the other two episodes substantially and it left him feeling more than just drained; he felt entirely empty. There was another layer to his exhaustion, though. This had also been undoubtedly the most intense display of emotion Roman had ever experienced and he felt like he had just finished running a marathon - his body was physically exhausted.
Roman looked in the direction Caspian nodded and cursed under his breath. The last thing he wanted to do was explain himself or Caspian to his own subordinates. The weight of making a simple decision felt heavier than normal but he didn't shy away from it. Making decisions was normal and comfortable for him and even if he was ready to succumb to the overpowering exhaustion, he needed to feel a semblance of normalcy again. He rubbed a hand down his face, trying to think; before his thoughts had been moving so fast it had been impossible to make any sense of them but now it felt like wading through molasses just to try and form a simple train of thought. He hadn't really planned on bringing Caspian inside but there was no where else for them to go. Even after everything that had happened, Roman was still a painfully private person and it made him uneasy to have Caspian near his place of work. Caspian had caught a glimpse of the real Roman, but he didn't have the luxury of being that open for very long here. Unfortunately, Roman had a role to play and even if they were hidden away in his room, Roman couldn't relax.
Roman grabbed Caspian's hand in his own, pulling him back towards the door he had come through before. Wordlessly, he pulled the door shut behind them, locking it. The door wasn't guarded because it was a servant's exit and was traditionally locked at night until the first of the help awoke at sunrise. The door was at the end of a small, thin corridor - one of many around the castle that provided servants with a quick and easy way to access different rooms. Even though the corridors were unlit and with no windows, were nearly pitch black, Roman confidently pulled Caspian along. The turns came easily to him; he knew every inch of this castle, down to the smallest details. Two lefts, a right, and then a set of stairs later, Roman pushed open a door. The hallways had spit them out not more than twenty feet from Roman's room and even though no one was in sight, he didn't linger. He finally released a breath when the door shut behind him and Caspian, but he didn't stop moving. He tugged Caspian along, straight to his bed, and only let go of his hand to shamelessly start pulling his clothes off. Roman was normally prudish when it came to nudity in the presence of others and even though he had slept with Caspian, it wasn't like him to shamelessly strip, but he was too tired to care. Once he was fully naked, he slipped under the covers, wincing when the cuts on his back met the fabric. He had almost completely forgotten about the cuts but they were still too fresh to allow him to forget about them and he was glad that his room was dark - hopefully dark enough to hide how damaged he was.
"Come here," Roman coaxed, shifting to make some room for Caspian under the covers. Even though he had stripped in front of Caspian, sex was the last thing on his mind. All he wanted right now was to hold Caspian as he fell asleep. He couldn't plan for how he would feel tomorrow, but all that mattered was that right now, they were together.
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Post by Val on Jul 26, 2020 1:14:07 GMT
As he watched Roman consider his options, Caspian realized very quickly that his mere presence on the castle grounds was causing the man anxiety. He waited breathlessly for Roman to make up his mind, feeling insecurities root their way into his mind. The very idea of being so burdensome was weighing on him on top of everything else. It seemed like all the weight that Roman was shedding off was landing squarely onto Caspian's shoulders, and he had to find a way to juggle it all before it took a real toll on him.
With his eyes trained on the approaching soldiers, he was taken by surprise when Roman pulled him up from the ground. He followed wordlessly, exhaling a breath of air when the door safely shut behind them and they were plunged into shadows. The quiet hallways might've been peaceful if not for Roman's unforgiving pace. He concentrated on keeping up, trailing his fingers along the rough walls for guidance. He avoided disturbing the silence, deciding that there was nothing worth voicing- he was simply relieved to be invited inside.
The air shifted and slowed as they entered Roman's bedroom. He paused at the edge of the bed when his hand was finally released, and took the opportunity to scan the dimly lit room, his eyes lingering the the window he'd flown through earlier that day. After completing a three-sixty sweep of the space, his eyes landed on the sight of Roman as he worked on removing his clothes. Caspian watched expressionlessly, not moving from the spot he'd first stopped in until Roman finally hit the bed. As if on queue, he followed suit and began stripping his clothes off. He placed each article in a pile, as though attempting to maintain the sense of order that Roman's chambers demanded.
Accepting the invitation, he climbed under the covers and sunk into the mattress beside Roman, feeling as though the silence was acting as a heavy blanket over them, lulling them to sleep. He was exhausted, but his mind remained alert as wondered what exactly this night meant for them and the future. He needed to know more about Roman's life- his current one. They'd delved into the past, but the present was still a big mystery to Caspian. Roman was intent on concealing the behind the scenes portion of his life, but there couldn't be such large blind spots between them anymore. Things had to change.
Stirring from his rigid position, he rolled toward Roman until he was pressed up against his side. He rested his head on Roman's shoulder and felt his body instantly relax from the familiar position, allowing his eyes to close, "We should sleep," he whispered, though he had a feeling it would take a while for him to fall asleep. At the moment, there was nothing else that could be said to follow up what had been revealed outside the castle walls.
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Post by starrea on Jul 27, 2020 3:33:34 GMT
As soon as Caspian was safely tucked against his side, Roman cocooned both of them within the blankets. The exhaustion already weighed heavily on him, but now that he was in bed with Caspian at his side and under the covers, it was nearly impossible to keep his eyes open. His body was shutting down against his will; the breakdown had drained him of everything he had and now his body required rest to recover. Even though Roman couldn't fight it when his eyes fluttered shut, he didn't let himself immediately pass out. The silence felt heavy, like there was something that needed to be said but neither of them knew what to say. He wanted to find the right words to fix whatever he had broken between them tonight but even half-asleep, he knew that things couldn't go back to the way they used to be. He couldn't go back to the way he used to be.
All Caspian had to do was mention the word 'sleep' and Roman was put under a spell. He faded away even more and as much as he tried to fight the overwhelming exhaustion, his need for sleep was relentlessly stronger.
"Don't leave in the morning," Roman slurred, half-asleep. He couldn't find the words right now, not when most of his brain had shut down, but he needed Caspian to know that he wanted him here. Talking about what happened was going to be an unavoidable evil, but it was something Roman knew he had no other choice but to face head-on. He pulled Caspian closer towards his body, intertwining their legs; even if Caspian wanted to leave, he was going to have a hell of a time untangling himself from Roman. Roman fell asleep seconds later but his grip around Caspian didn't relax.
Roman's eyes snapped open, his breaths coming out frantic and heavy. Roman couldn't remember the last time he had a dream, but even now that he was awake, the images of his dream stayed with him. He was back in the forest all those years ago, back when he was still Soren and Roman was still Roman. And then Roman's hands were around his throat and the knife was in his hand and he couldn't breathe, he had to make Roman stop - he had to stab him. It happened all over again; he stabbed Roman in the side of the neck and watched in horror as his eyes first widened in shock, and then slowly the life drained out of them. His hands relaxed and suddenly Roman could breathe again, and then he slumped over to the ground agonizingly slowly, blood pouring out of the hole in his neck. But somehow, his mother suddenly there, and she was leaning over Roman's body, crying. He tried to reach out to her, tried to show her that he was okay, but when she whipped around to face him, the look of repulsion on her face was so strong it made him physically recoil.
"You killed my son! You killed Soren!"
Her accusation dumbfounded him, but when he looked at the body he had just killed, it wasn't Roman's body laying on the ground; it was himself.
That was when Roman had woken up. The dream left him unusually rattled and his anxiety didn't ebb away as the seconds ticked by and soon he got restless enough that he needed to get out of bed. He was careful to disentangle himself slowly from Caspian, who was still sleeping, and slowly got to his feet. It was still dark outside but the horizon was showing the slightest hues of oranges and pinks so it was almost sunrise. Roman hastily pulled on some boxers and grabbed the packet of cigarettes from a pocket in his discarded clothes and some matches before slipping out onto his balcony.
He lit a cigarette, bringing it to his lips and taking a long drag. Memories of last night slowly filtered through and it was almost hard to believe that he had really been reduced to tears last night. What was even more surprising was that even as the memories slowly came back to him, he felt nothing. Maybe he was still too drained from last night or maybe it was too early in the morning to give a fuck, but he was thankful nonetheless. Instead, he just took another long drag of his cigarette and slowly blew the smoke out, looking out towards the horizon to watch the sunrise.
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Post by Val on Jul 27, 2020 19:25:30 GMT
Caspian had no intentions of leaving, but did not complain when Roman entangled him in a web of limbs to hold him in place. It was reassuring to feel his warmth, the beat of his heart, and the shift of his breathing as the man beside him slowly drifted into sleep. He followed suit not long after, plunging into one of the most fitful nights of sleep he'd ever experienced.
Caspian had always been a vivid dreamer, able to draw from his own imagination as well as the inspiration he gained from the animal kingdom. However, it was rare for him to experience nightmares like the ones that plagued him that night. It started with running. He was speeding through a forest, but not in his own body- on all fours. The creature he inhabited kept changing; first a dog, then a panther, then a bear. The vision was on a loop, with each new animal becoming larger and more ferocious. At first, he was sure he was running away from something, but it soon became apparent that he wasn't the prey- he was the predator.
As soon as this realization dawned on him, the dreams shifted altogether. They became more violent as he met sudden opponents head on and was bombarded with images of gnashing teeth and claws and swords and blood. So much blood. His paws were soaked with it. The smell was so overpowering that it prevented him from concentrating on anything else. And when the fighting ended, he was left in the middle of a bloody graveyard of humans and animals, and...werewolves? Perhaps recent events were clouding his psyche, or maybe this entire series of dreams was some kind of foreboding message. Either way, when he turned to find Roman standing behind him-safe and untouched- he realized what the entire bloodbath had been for. He'd been protecting Roman.
The sudden awareness was so jarring that he woke from his sleep with a sharp intake of air. He was panting and sweaty and...alone. Roman's absence felt absurdly devastating for some reason, and he scanned the room, becoming exceedingly worried when he wasn't in sight. It wasn't until the smell of the cigarette smoke reached him that he realized Roman was out on the balcony, and he was able to relax- or at least try. He couldn't dismiss the dreams he had just had, because they were so...foreign. He never so much as thought about violence, let alone partaking in mass amounts of death and destruction. He didn't feel like himself, and he was worried that he was undergoing some kind of metamorphosis similar to Roman's- except his was proving to feel unhealthy and downright disturbing.
Forcing himself out of bed, he slipped his pants on and made his way slowly toward the balcony, inhaling the fresh morning air as it blew into the room. Part of him was apprehensive about facing Roman at the start of this new day, but not just because of what had transpired between them the night before. Now, he felt like he had some things to get off of his chest, and that was far more intimidating then prying answers out of Roman.
He stepped out onto the balcony as the morning rays spilled across the horizon, bathing them in a golden light. He squinted and made his way to the balustrade to stand beside Roman, taking in the sunrise wordlessly and enjoying the simple peace that the moment brought. When the sun had officially risen and the unique morning colors faded into their typical palette, he shifted to sit precariously on the edge of the railing so that he could see Roman's face, though the cigarette was awfully distracting. Caspian reached out to steal the cigarette from between Roman's fingers, taking a brief drag from it. He regarded the small, cancerous object for a moment before abruptly putting it out against the banister, "This is a bad habit, you know," he pointed out the obvious, not looking at all apologetic for ruining a perfectly good cigarette.
His eyes trailed back up to Roman's curiously, wondering how his sleep had been in comparison, "Do you ever have...nightmares?" he asked, guessing that the answer would be a resounding yes. The question felt childish, but the way he uttered it made it clear he had more to share. More importantly- something he wanted to share.
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Post by starrea on Jul 27, 2020 20:27:25 GMT
Roman didn't immediately acknowledge Caspian when he joined him out on the balcony. There was nothing that needed to urgently be said, nothing important enough to break the tranquility of the early morning air and the first rays of sunlight. For once, the silence between them was comfortable. They both just stood there, Roman bringing his cigarette up between his lips to take another drag, and watched the sunrise. But this state of tranquility between them wasn't viable, and Roman was reminded of that when the cigarette was rudely grabbed from him. The cigarette being extinguished was the catalyst and soon everything from last night came back with unforgiving clarity, and trace amounts of the emotions he had felt last night started to stir within him. He scowled at Caspian, annoyed - annoyed that he ruined the moment, annoyed that he put his cigarette out, annoyed that he was going to force him to face what happened last night. "Not as bad of a habit as you," Roman quipped back, leaning forward against the balcony next to Caspian and his gaze shifting back to the sunrise.
His hand itched to reach into his pocket and light another cigarette just to spite Caspian, but he stopped himself. The idea was tempting but he wasn't struggling enough that needed something to save him, and this was his only pack of cigarettes left. He needed to save them for when he inevitably crumbled again. It took Roman a second to process Caspian's question and his eyes snapped back to him, surprised. He searched his face and noticed the remnants of a poor night's sleep; red eyes surrounded by dark rings and unmistakable exhaustion. He softened a little but turned to watch the sunrise again.
"No," Roman paused, "Not usually. Last night I did."
The silence between them was heavy and full of words that needed to be said, but neither knew how to say. He could tell Caspian wanted to talk about something, but was evidently waiting on Roman to speak first. Another wave of spitefulness hit him square in the chest and he wanted to stay silent, he wanted to prove that he would outlast Caspian, but he knew that was the actions of a petulant child. Instead, he bit back an irritated sigh.
"Tell me about it," Roman instructed, his voice softer than the inner-turmoil he felt. Even though they were talking, they were only talking about a dream and it felt painfully obvious that they were both dancing around more serious subjects. But Roman wasn't about to be the one to vocalize that; if Caspian wanted to procrastinate, then Roman was perfectly fine with that. With any luck, Caspian wouldn't bring it up at all - but he knew Caspian, and he also begrudgingly realized that maybe it wasn't the best option to simply ignore what had happened.
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Post by Val on Jul 28, 2020 4:43:53 GMT
Caspian was beginning to feel naive for not anticipating Roman's hurtful remarks. He tried not to take them personally, but it was difficult when the wounds were still fresh from the words that had been thrown around last night. He looked away to hide the insecurity that was sure to be reflected in his eyes after being compared to a cigarette. Normally, he was thick skinned enough to disregard the deflective comments, but he felt different today; vulnerable.
He had almost completely disregarded his own question, deciding to quash the desire to share his own thoughts, when Roman prompted him to explain. He glanced up in surprise, and he was convinced that it was the first time Roman had gone out of his way to urge him to speak up. He recognized the change in Roman's tone and had to appreciate that he was at least trying; perhaps even beginning to see that their relationship could be more give and take, rather than forcing each other into traumatic situations.
Caspian opened his mouth to speak, but found that he was strangely at a loss for words. Now that he was given the opportunity to share his truth, he suddenly wanted to avoid it like the plague. His directness vanished, and he was left with a guarded feeling that he could imagine Roman was very familiar with. Despite the hesitation, he wasn't about to waste the opportunity. The only problem was that he was unsure how to go about explaining what he felt his strange dreams were trying to tell him.
"I think you greatly underestimate me." The words felt out of left field, even for him, but approaching his point in a roundabout way seemed like the only viable option. It didn't feel right to describe the violent thoughts that had plagued his sleep, but there was a deeper meaning to be voiced. "You once told me that you would never let anyone hurt me," -anyone but himself, to be more specific, but he decided to leave that part out- "But have you ever considered that you're the one in need of protection?" he paused, realizing that Roman was definitely going to take offense to that. His eyes caught the subtle bruise that had formed on Roman's cheek bone, and he was sure the man was less than impressed with his protective abilities if he was judging on the punch Caspian had thrown.
"Just hear me out," he interjected before Roman had the chance to do so, "I understand why you want to keep me separate from the rest of your life, but it's not possible. If you have enemies, I want to know about them. If you're being threatened, let me stand at your side. I'm far from helpless, Roman. I have no loyalties, so why can't I pledge myself to your cause?" The differences between them were more apparent now than ever before. Where it was borderline impossible to get Roman share what was happening within the walls of his own mind, Caspian spilled everything all at once, "I think we're both used to living a certain way, but that doesn't mean we can't share what's going here- in the present. This has to be everything or nothing."
Caspian had strayed so far from the topic of his nightmare that he almost entirely forgot what direction he was going with this. He pushed a hand through his hair, appearing nearly blonde in the sunlight, and forced himself back to the point, "In the nightmare, I was fighting with you. For you," he added quietly. He didn't exactly explain why this qualified as a nightmare, but he couldn't bring himself to describe it. No matter how much he filled the air with his thoughts, he couldn't admit why the dreams were really bothering him. Understanding how far he would go to stand by Roman's side was not something he was ready to discuss.
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Post by starrea on Jul 28, 2020 16:52:07 GMT
Roman didn't have to look at Caspian to know that his quip did more damage than Roman anticipated, but he didn't apologize. He focused on the vibrant colors of the sunrise, trying to ignore the fact that his words had unintentionally cut Caspian open. He could practically feel the insecurities and vulnerability radiate off of the other man and the air between them was uncomfortable enough that the familiar urge to flee was starting to make Roman twitchy.
Of course Caspian wouldn't allow Roman the luxury of procrastinating this horrendously painful conversation and he was foolish for even thinking it a possibility. Caspian took forever to finally speak, or maybe time was just moving inexplicably slow, but it had been so long that Roman had begun to think that he wouldn't talk at all. Roman immediately bristled defensively at Caspian's first words; Caspian wasn't holding back and had come straight out of the gate with a blatant attack on him. The next sentence was an even harder hit and it was enough to make Roman's gaze snap to Caspian, eyes narrowing in anger. Caspian His mouth was halfway open, the words halfway out and ready to defend himself but Caspian cut him off. He wanted to remind Caspian of his shitty form and nearly nonexistent technique - the only thing Caspian could protect him from was maybe a young, untrained, weak girl. Instead, he gave Caspian a hard look and swallowed the words back down, and settled back tensely to let Caspian explain himself.
If Roman felt anything beyond irritation, he didn't let it show. He knew what Caspian wanted, but it just wasn't feasible. Caspian didn't know the kind of world he came from, he didn't know the dangerous politics he was dealing with now. He blissfully ignorant to the ruthlessness and monstrous ways of Roman's worlds and he wanted to keep Caspian like that. But this time, Roman was able to see something he hadn't before - he was hurting Caspian significantly, and Roman didn't know what was more dangerous to Caspian: his world, or himself. The realization softened Roman and the tension seeped out of him as he wordlessly let Caspian finish.
Seconds ticked by after Caspian finished speaking, but the words that Roman had struggled to swallow down before were gone. He struggled to organize his thoughts but they were scattered and incomplete and it left him at a loss for words. Instead, he closed the space between them and pushed himself between Caspian's legs. He boldly leaned forward, pressing his lips gently against Caspian's. The kiss was short, but Roman it conveyed what he was struggling to say: that he wanted it to be everything.
"Pledge yourself to me," Roman whispered breathlessly. Even though he had pulled back from the kiss, he hadn't left more than an inch or so between them. Caspian had spoken his truth, and now Roman felt like he had to share his. He couldn't expect Caspian to commit to everything when he refused to do that same. "I'm scared," Roman finally murmured, "I'm scared that once you know what I did, you'll hate me. I'm scared that I'll lose you forever and I'll be lost without you. I'm scared that one of my enemies will see you for what you are: my weakness, and they'll take you from me. I'm scared that even though I need you, I'm bad for you and I want to let you go because that is what is best for you, but I can't because I'm selfish."
It was the first time Roman had shared something deeply personal without the help of alcohol or a mental breakdown and it was evident how deeply uncomfortable it was for Roman. He looked Caspian with true vulnerability, his hands loosely wrapped around his back. Even when faced with imminent death, he had never been as scared as he in that moment. He had essentially handed Caspian the ability to crush him and could only hope that he was merciful enough to spare him.
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Post by Val on Jul 29, 2020 19:59:11 GMT
Caspian's eyes were fixed on the ground as he waited for a response from Roman, expecting rejection. He knew that Roman was adamant about keeping him separate from his public life, and that the subject had become a huge point of contention between them. Caspian had accepted the conditions for a short period of time, but he could see now that it was impossible to maintain such a degree of separation. Not only because Roman's present was just important as his past, but Caspian couldn't handle feeling so worthless.
Caspian never really had a choice but to accept how people perceived him. He was born into an impoverished and uneducated family, and as an adult he lived a simple, salt-of-the-earth kind of lifestyle. When it came down to it, he never cared what people thought of him. But he did care about what Roman thought of him. He wanted desperately to dismantle whatever preconceived notions Roman still had of him. He wasn't helpless, or weak, or stupid. Roman seemed to view him as some sort of damsel in distress, or a dull child unable to comprehend the complexities of the world. Perhaps he wasn't capable to throwing a well executed punch or writing a sophisticated letter, but he was a grown man with a specific skill set and a powerful gift that he'd yet to even scratch the surface of. Feeling like a burden was tearing away at him and, for the first time in a long time, he felt a stir of ambition- he wanted to prove himself.
As he came to terms with his newfound motivation, Roman's body forced itself into the forefront of his attention. He lifted his gaze just in time for their lips to connect and he felt the tension start to dissipate between them. It was the first display of affection he'd received from Roman in a while, and something about the kiss told him that Roman wasn't preparing a rejection. He was both literally and figuratively on the edge of his seat, absorbing Roman's words as they spilled straight from the heart. He almost couldn't believe that Roman was laying out his fears one by one; not only admitting them, but accepting them. The last time they'd discussed fear, he remembered Roman threatening him over even bringing it up. It was then that Caspian realized everything had been worth it. The struggling, the fighting, the tears, and the pain had all led to one very obvious conclusion: they were both capable of changing for the better.
Caspian placed his palms against Roman's bare chest, pushing him back a few steps. The absence of Roman's touch wasn't exactly ideal, but he had to focus on what needed to be said before the physicality between them distracted him. He pushed himself off the edge of the balcony railing and dropped lightly to the floor, standing in front of Roman, "I'm scared that you'll never fully trust me. I'm scared that you'll push me away because of your misguided worries, when all I want is to be with you," he stated, carefully countering each of Roman's fears with one of his own. Whereas Roman's tone had been almost apologetic, Caspian's was full of determination as he tried to get Roman to see his side of the story, "I'm scared that you'll always see me as your weakness, when I should be your strength."
His eyes remained locked with Roman's for several beats before he dropped to the ground in a kneeling position and bowed his head, "You could never let me go, because I wouldn't go willingly. You would have to make me go, because I need you just as much as you need me." He leaned forward, splaying his hands out in front of him and pressing his palms into the warm tile floor, "I'm yours." It wasn't posed as a question; he was pledging himself and letting Roman know that he would always be there, whether he tried to push him away or not.
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Post by starrea on Jul 31, 2020 0:17:27 GMT
Roman didn't resist when Caspian pushed him back; the kiss had spoken what he had struggled to say with words, but Roman knew that how easy it was to get lost in Caspian. His lips felt cold without Caspian's and he wanted to reach back out, wanted to get so damn lost in Caspian that he would never find his way back. The realization hit him like a meteor: no matter what he did or how hard he tried to resist, he would always find his way back to Caspian. The desire to be with Caspian ran so much deeper than simple wanting, it was something deep and instinctual, as if he needed Caspian for his very survival and just like he couldn't fight the need to breathe, he wouldn't be able to stay away from Caspian. They were inevitable. It was as outside of his control as the sun rising each morning and setting each evening.
The realization lifted a weight off of Roman that he hadn't even realized he had been carrying and suddenly it was easier to breathe. He had been wasting his energy before pushing Caspian away. Now that it was crystal clear that Caspian was a permanent fixture in his life, he could refocus his energy into making something that worked for both of them. It was embarrassing that it had taken him so long to see what was so painfully clear, but Roman finally felt confident in his plans of action. The confidence propelled him further into the unknown territory of a real, intimate conversation and he wasn't afraid. He was finally ready to listen to Caspian as an equal instead of just writing his opinion off.
Roman watched Caspian fall to his knees and then lean forward on his hands, face twisting into a frown. Normally, this kind of submission was something that would have appealed to almost every level of Roman, but he had just started to see Caspian as his own person, one who was equal to him. Instead of helping him up, Roman dropped to his knees as well, lowering himself until he was eye level with Caspian.
"Prove it," Roman challenged, but his voice lacked the usual condescending tone. He couldn't change his core beliefs, and he still wasn't sure if Caspian did make him stronger. His entire view was shifting as Caspian tore down every wall he spent his entire life building and it was incredibly hard to analyze how he felt about it, but for the first time he was willing to try. "Prove to me you're my strength," He paused, letting his challenge sink in before he continued, "I know you're capable and you don't need my protection. But all of the things I love about you... are the things that I'm not. I don't want you to change, I don't want you to lose your vow of pacifism, or have to worry about enemies coming onto your property. I don't want to bring the violence and darkness that is in my life into yours." The more he talked, the more his own actions started to make sense to him. The pieces were falling into place in real time. "I'm more scared of you becoming someone like me than I am of anything else. You're so good, and I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I ruined you." He trailed off, his head spinning from the revelation.
Roman rocked back so that he was kneeling, looking up at the pale blue sky. The very topic of his career brought up more questions and he realized that maybe he didn't want to be the King's Advisor anymore.
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Post by Val on Jul 31, 2020 21:30:08 GMT
Caspian's eyes remained shut as he bowed before Roman, expecting the gesture to please him as it always had before. There was a certain level of disconnect between Caspian's instincts and his newfound desires. He wanted Roman to view him as an equal, but it was his nature to give and give some more- not to give and take. When it came to their relationship, submission had become a form of communication. Without it, he found himself at a loss as to how he could display his commitment and utmost loyalty.
Feeling Roman drop to the ground in front of him caused Caspian to lift his head in confusion. Their eyes met and suddenly the challenge felt more daunting than anything that had come before. Now that Roman was changing before his eyes, Caspian suddenly felt like he was the one left floundering and stuck in his ways. He had a feeling that their definitions of strength greatly differed, but Caspian was prepared to do whatever it took, and that was clear from the stress that was reflected clearly in his eyes as he recalled his dream.
Just as he felt the new conflict begin to plant itself inside of him, the unexpected happened. Roman didn't want him to change. Hearing the words coming from the man he was so desperate to please was exactly what was needed to halt his feelings of inadequacy before they even had a chance to take root. Caspian had been prepared push himself to his limit and break his carefully established morals to become a part of Roman's life. He wasn't sure what that said about him, but now that he realized it wasn't necessary, he suddenly felt like he could breath freely again.
A small smile had reached his face as Roman dismantled all the made up expectations that Caspian had formed in his head, but the expression faded as Roman emphasized his alleged goodness. He shook his head slightly, unable to accept the way Roman viewed him. He didn't see himself the same way, and he looked away shamefully.
"Don't say that," he murmured, "I'm not as good as you think I am. I may avoid violence, but that does not make me perfect," he insisted, making it clear that it wasn't fair for Roman to put him on a moral pedestal that he could never live up to, "The time we've spent together has forced me to look back on things I've avoided for a long time." He looked up again, deciding it was time to reveal some of his own regrets, "I ruined my family, and then abandoned them when they needed me most. I haven't seen them since I left, and I don't know if they're dead or alive. I left because I was selfish, and meeting you has forced me to accept that. Isolation has made it easy for me to detach myself from the rest of the world's problems, but under different circumstances, I'm just as likely as anyone else to make bad decisions."
It was a truth he had always known, but never spoken aloud. Everyone was capable of terrible things, and he had just been lucky in comparison to Roman. He sat up and followed Roman's gaze toward the sky, "If we swapped upbringings, who knows what we would be like. You can't blame yourself for everything, just like I can't attribute the way I am to pure virtue." He sighed and found himself looking back at Roman, feeling light and free as they spoke their truths, "You're not going to ruin me, but I want to be prepared for whatever the future holds. Change could be good for me, too."
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Post by starrea on Aug 3, 2020 2:44:58 GMT
Instead of responding, Roman just reached out and took Caspian's hands in his own. There were so many things that Caspian didn't know about him, so many things Roman never wanted him to know because as much as Caspian wanted to exonerate him, he was guilty. Even though Caspian was methodically breaking down the walls Roman had built up to create himself, there were other secrets he kept hidden; not out of necessity of keeping his identity but rather to bury his guilt. A small part of him wanted to open up to Caspian, but a much larger part of him knew that was a bad idea - some things were meant to stay hidden, and he intended to bury those secrets so deep he would take them to the grave.
It was a shame to realize that Caspian didn't see himself in the same light that Roman did. Caspian was all of the best qualities known to man; kind, genuinely caring, and empathy for days. They weren't qualities Roman recognized as important before, but now he saw how important they were. He felt himself get frustrated because he didn't how to make Caspian see himself for what he was, the way Roman saw him. Even though Roman didn't much of his past, he knew enough about Caspian to know that it didn't matter. Whatever happened made him into the man who he was today, and that was undeniably the best man Roman knew.
Instead of saying all the things he wanted to say, he just leaned forward and pressed his lips to Caspian's. He didn't know how sustainable this state of acceptance was for him and he wasn't sure if he would have enough time to figure out all the things he needed to tell Caspian before he lost his nerve.
The kiss was cut short by a knock at the door. Roman pulled back, slightly surprised; he had forgotten that his responsibilities existed even when he was spending time with Caspian. He gave Caspian's hand one more squeeze before he rigidly stood, briskly walking over to his door. He cracked it open, speaking lowly to a guard on the other side of the door for a moment before being handed a note. The encounter only last half a minute at most, but after Roman shut the door, he just stood there for another couple of seconds. Even though he had essentially just agreed to not shield Caspian from his work life, Roman wasn't sure he was ready to expose him to it this early on. But he couldn't ignore his responsibilities and he wasn't sure he could get Caspian to leave.
He finally turned back around, paper still in his hand, and walked back out to the balcony where Caspian was. "I have something to do. For work," Roman said vaguely, reaching into his pocket to pull out a cigarette and a match. He lit his cigarette and took a long drag, letting the bad habit quell his nerves.
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Post by Val on Aug 5, 2020 1:37:34 GMT
Caspian was beginning to appreciate their differences on a whole new level and accept that, even though they expressed emotion in different ways, both were valid. He squeezed Roman's hands and took the display of affection for what it was- acceptance. He could see now that it was difficult for Roman to verbalize his feelings, but Caspian more than made up for the lost words with his perhaps over the top urge to speak everything into existence. But touch was enough, and Roman was an inherently physical man- a fact that made desire bloom within Caspian every time Roman laid hands on him.
He closed his eyes in anticipation for the kiss, and was not disappointed. Roman's lips were warm and familiar against his and he leaned forward expectantly, willing himself to become lost in the undeniable chemistry between them. He lifted a hand to reach for Roman, but the sound of a knock at the door caused him to falter before his fingers had the chance to reach their destination.
Caspian watched wordlessly as Roman pulled away from him and disappeared inside, leaving him on his knees on the balcony. Exhaling, he forced himself to his feet and lingered in the doorway at such an angle that he could observe Roman as he spoke to someone on the other side of the door. His curiosity flared as he caught the slightest glimpse of the King's Advisor persona for the first time. There was so much he wanted to know and see, but it was ultimately Roman's choice whether or not to let him into his life.
He leaned against the wall with his thumbs hooked casually in the waistband of his pants as Roman returned to the balcony, message in hand. As much as Caspian respected boundaries, it was difficult to suppress the urge to know exactly what was written on the slip of paper. His eyes followed the familiar motion of Roman reaching for a cigarette and he pushed off the wall to stand in the man's view as smoke poured into the air between them.
Instead of stealing the cigarette away again, he cocked his head to one side, "I thought I was your bad habit," he commented, very much implying that he could do a better job of making Roman feel better than any measly cigarette could do. His eyes flickered toward the letter, "Anything I can help with?" he offered offhandedly, though it was obvious that he wanted Roman to share. If he refused, then a wall was bound to build between them as their lives remained carefully separate.
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Post by starrea on Aug 6, 2020 5:25:52 GMT
It wasn't hard to see how much Caspian wanted Roman to let him in to this side of his life and Roman struggled with fighting the inherent desire to keep him at arm's length. It was cute that Caspian was trying way too hard to act casual and even though Roman was inclined to act like he didn't know how much Caspian wanted to be included, it felt like he had to after what they had confessed to one another.
Roman took another drag of the cigarette, offering a half-smile at Caspian and reaching out for him. "Come take the pain away then," He urged, putting the cigarette out with one hand while the other took Caspian by the back of the head and mashed their lips together. This kiss wasn't nearly as soft as the last one; it was hungry and needy. Even though he knew Caspian could handle himself, the fear that he would lose Caspian once he showed him his world was overwhelming. He pulled Caspian into him until their bodies were fused together. His hands were rough and restricting, not giving Caspian the choice of pulling away. Roman needed the reassurance, needed to know that Caspian wouldn't run once he saw a different side of him.
Roman finally pulled away; he couldn't procrastinate by kissing Caspian forever, no matter how much enjoyable it was. He had already dedicated too much time to Caspian and had been irresponsibly neglecting his duties. Even though the kiss ended, Roman still held Caspian to him tightly, not giving the option of leaving. He knew what he needed to do for the sake of Caspian and he hoped Caspian recognized the gesture for what it was; a goddamn miracle. There was not a single person in this kingdom - or on this planet - that he would go to such selfless lengths for. It made him deeply uncomfortable but in the end, it would be worth it because he knew he wasn't strong enough to stay away from Caspian.
"You can come with me, if you want," Roman offered, hoping that Caspian wouldn't want to come but knowing that he did. "A kid of a recently deceased drug lord was sighted. I need to go scope him out, make sure he understands that I will not tolerate him continuing his mother's criminal activity just because he's a kid. He's got a sick girl with him that I also need to evaluate. I've had a couple complaints that she might be carrying something contagious and I want to make sure that she doesn't spread a damn plague."
The task was simple and safe enough that Roman could entertain the idea of bringing Caspian, no matter how unpleasant it was. Besides, the situation didn't call for any questionable-moral decisions, so that side of Roman was still safely hidden away. It was a compromise, a show of faith that Roman was willing to do what it took to keep Caspian at his side.
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