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Post by Val on Apr 14, 2020 1:55:07 GMT
Caspian turned to cast Roman a warning glare, clearly defensive over being called sensitive. He didn't expect Roman to be particularly tactful when it came to feelings, but he could at least try. He shifted the rest of his body back around to face Roman, but withheld his touch.
"I mean am I going to be your dirty secret?" He let the question hang for a second before continuing, "I don't care if you don't want to out yourself, but am I allowed to come to your castle? Or be with you public?" He could have went on, but he stopped himself, wanting to give Roman the chance to respond.
He was under the impression that Roman hadn't really thought about these things, or maybe he had already decided that Caspian would, in fact, be his secret. Caspian was rightfully intimidated by the prospect of having a relationship with Roman, especially when he was an open book and Roman was a locked chest.
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Post by starrea on Apr 14, 2020 3:46:14 GMT
Roman probably shouldn’t have been surprised by the turn in the conversation, especially when he had spurred the conversation on the in first place, but he was. He was already surpassing his own expectations by how open and accepting he was of this drastically uncharted territory, something very unusual for Roman, but the complexity of emotions and the required sensitivity to deal with them was still beyond his reach. He wanted to roll his eyes when Caspian shot him a silent warning but refrained, settling for a hard stare instead.
He let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing a hand down his face. Surprisingly, Roman had actually thought about this at great length. Caspian has occupied his thoughts almost entirely since they had parted ways. Roman wasn’t worried about being outed as gay, he was worried about anyone knowing that Roman had a relationship at all. For someone who could stick a knife into someone’s abdomen and saw his way up to their heart, the idea of someone else knowing that Roman had been intimate with someone made him uncomfortable. Roman valued his privacy and his relationship with Caspian was no one’s business but theirs.
At first, Roman had expected Caspian to spend time at the castle with him. The thought of Caspian waiting for him in bed while he worked was something he had fantasized about. But now he wasn’t so sure. Things were starting to be a little unstable in Raevaryn and Roman wasn’t sure if he wanted Caspian there.
“Does it bother you if I want you to be my dirty little secret?” Roman asked evenly, raising an eyebrow. He didn’t really care if it did either way because it wasn’t something he would bend on. Caspian would just have to learn that Roman was particular about some things and this was one of them.
He shrugged, “Do you want to go out in public with me?” He asked, eyes searching Caspian’s face for any clues as to what he wanted. He tossed the idea around in his head. He wouldn’t mind going out in public with Caspian, but only to areas where there was no risk of anyone from the castle seeing him. The only people who possibly cared about his private life were Alister, Nadia, and Bram and as of recently, he wasn’t sure they would even notice if Raevaryn was overthrown, so he wasn’t overly concerned.
Roman was getting impatient again. Caspian hadn’t answered his question and the air between them was cold. “Just tell me what you want out of me.” Roman pressed, trying to push this conversation along. Roman remembered his flask out in the living room and suddenly wished it weren’t so far away.
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Post by Val on Apr 14, 2020 22:30:00 GMT
Caspian hesitated, torn between being annoyed that Roman had turned the questions back upon him and realizing that they were questions he hadn't exactly thought about. Similar to Roman, he did value his privacy. That was obvious considering his isolated farm. Even so, he didn't like the idea of being completely separate from Roman's life, even if it was exceptionally complicated.
Sensing Roman's impatience, he shifted back closer and rested a hand on his leg to regain the physical contact. As much as he felt like arguing, he didn't want the intimacy between them to close off completely. "I guess it doesn't bother me," he admitted, "As long as you're not ashamed of me," he added. Ultimately, time would tell if he liked playing the dirty secret or not.
"I want the option to see you whenever I please. If that means in public, then yes, I want that." He met Roman's gaze adamantly before continuing, "I just want you to be able to talk to me about anything; your work, your past, your family. Whatever it is, you don't have to bottle it up forever. Don't you want that?"
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Post by starrea on Apr 14, 2020 23:16:47 GMT
Roman didn’t shift away when Caspian placed a hand on him, but he was too annoyed to melt under his touch like he usually did. Roman had opened the door and now Caspian was piling expectations on left and right and Roman suddenly felt cornered.
“I’m not ashamed of you,” He said, looking Caspian in the eye so that he knew he meant it. “I’m just... not someone who does relationships.” That was the best way Roman could describe it and even could tell how lame it sounded. It was hard to put a feeling that he didn’t entirely understand into words.
Roman had already planned on dominating Caspian’s time. Caspian was turning out be dangerously addictive and Roman had no qualms about indulging his wants. It was the next demand that made him hesitate, only because he knew Caspian would end up disappointed. He let out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his hair. “You’re already expecting good much. I’m here, having this conversation with you. Isn’t that enough?” He all but snapped, finally looking anywhere but Caspian’s face.
He sighed and tried again, voice a little softer this time, “Can’t we just see where this goes? Without all that emotional shit?”
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Post by Val on Apr 15, 2020 23:16:18 GMT
Caspian wanted to keep pressing for more, but the fear of pushing Roman away outweighed his need for the 'emotional shit'. He lowered his gaze when Roman snapped at him, trying to subdue his need for communication. Subconsciously, he was aware that allowing Roman to belittle his feelings wasn't exactly healthy, but he was starting to ignore his own self interest in favor of Roman's.
"Okay," he agreed quietly, "I'm sorry." Caspian slowly returned to his original position, falling onto his back beside Roman. He closed his eyes and tried to recenter himself, willing his nagging subconscious to leave him alone. The subject could be brought up another day.
"Are you hungry?" he asked to break the silence, keeping his eyes shut, "Thirsty?" he added, thinking back to the bottle of whiskey left in the living room. Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to indulge any further, but the idea was tempting now that Roman had shut him out.
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Post by starrea on Apr 16, 2020 16:52:05 GMT
As soon as the words left his mouth, Roman felt like an ass. Caspian’s apology only made it worse. He closed his eyes as Caspian fell back next him, guilt swirling inside of him. Roman had never been in touch with his emotions. Prior to Caspian, emotions had hardly ever factored into his life. He was logical and driven and spent a great deal of time meticulously planning every last detail, a quality that made him perfect to be an advisor. But everything had changed since he met Caspian and now he was left drowning in a sea of emotions he hadn’t even known he possessed.
Roman truly didn’t want to disappoint Caspian, but he also didn’t know if he could be what Caspian wanted. Roman didn’t see the point in talking. Actions spoke louder than words and Roman had shown Caspian just how much he wanted him. Just the thought of sitting around and discussing emotions made Roman uncomfortable. On the other hand, denying Caspian what he wanted made Roman feel like an asshole. No matter what he chose, he lost.
Caspian’s voice snapped him out of his train of thought. “Yeah, a drink would be nice. Something strong.” He said after a moment. He had wanted to be with Caspian without the influence of alcohol, to make sure he really wanted it, and he had done that. There was no denying how much he wanted Caspian. So now, it was perfectly acceptable to get drunk because there was no way in hell Roman was going to make it through an emotional conversation without a little bit of help.
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Post by Val on Apr 17, 2020 0:36:09 GMT
Caspian sat up again, avoiding eye contact as he rose from the bed. "I'll be right back," he stated, not bothering to dress himself as he swept out of the bedroom. He took a deep breath as he walked to the kitchen, trying to clear his head now that there was some distance between them. Perhaps relying on alcohol to loosen Roman's lips wasn't the best idea, but he was willing to oblige.
Rummaging to the back of one of his cabinets, he produced a bottle of homemade moonshine and two glasses. If Roman ever bothered to ask anything about him, he would learn that Caspian made most of his own food and drink from the resources on his farm. This particular bottle was definitely strong enough to set them both on their asses.
He returned to the bedroom moments later, kicking the door shut behind him before approaching the bed. Instead of acknowledging Roman, he busied himself by setting up the glasses on his bedside table and pouring a small amount into each one. He nudged one in Roman's direction with a tap of his fingers, finally allowing himself to look at the man sprawled out upon his bed, "It's strong," he warned, holding his glass as he waited for Roman to join him.
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Post by starrea on Apr 17, 2020 18:13:52 GMT
Roman sighed heavily as he watched Caspian leave, running a hand through his hair. Maybe it was a sign that one or both of them needed to be intoxicated. There was no denying how much he wanted Caspian on a physical level, but without the physical intensity and the help from alcohol, things didn’t feel smooth.
By the time Caspian emerged, Roman was entertaining the idea of just leaving but the sight of a naked Caspian and alcohol convinced him otherwise. Roman hadn’t ever bothered to take anyone else’s feelings into consideration but he found himself wanting Caspian to be happy with him and not just in bed.
Roman knocked back the drink without hesitation but it was stronger than he was expecting and he choked down a cough. Before Caspian, Roman rarely indulged in drinking so he definitely wasn’t prepared for the burn the drink left in its wake. He put down the glass, scooting up so he was sitting up a little and looked at Caspian.
The buzz from the drink came on hard and fast. Everything felt lighter than it had a moment ago and nothing he had been concerned about mattered anymore.
“Have you figured me out yet?” He asked lazily, feeling the tension start to seep out of him again.
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Post by Val on Apr 18, 2020 17:50:55 GMT
Caspian took the drink in unison with Roman, wincing as the liquid burned it's way down his throat. The shot alone was enough to leave him feeling lightheaded, but he remained standing, feeling as though he held more leverage and confidence looking down at Roman.
"Some of you. Not all of you," he replied, leaning a hip up against the table, "I know you like to ask the same vague questions. Perhaps as an avoidance tactic?" he guessed, raising a brow at Roman pointedly. "The thing is, I'll never be able to figure you out unless you let me." He let the words linger between them for a brief moment, but he felt the urge to continue.
"Do you enjoy keeping secrets, Roman? Or do you just not know how to express yourself?" He didn't mean for the questions to come out so accusatory, but he was feeling particularly frustrated. It seemed that the easiest way to get anything out of Roman was to provoke him, anyway. Caspian decided that he could handle the fallout, and anything was better than silence.
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Post by starrea on Apr 18, 2020 18:31:45 GMT
Roman raised an eyebrow playfully at Caspian’s frustration. He could see them slipping back into the same pattern but now that Roman had Caspian, he wasn’t so easily provoked. It was cute to see Caspian try, though. If he wanted a reaction, he was going to have to work harder than that.
“I like to watch you scramble,” He drawled lazily, shrugging his shoulders at the accusation. “So what if I’m avoiding? Everything is so much more satisfying when you have to work for it.”
Roman held his glass out, a silent command that he wanted it refilled. He chuckled at Caspian’s irritation, obviously quite amused with how Caspian was riling himself up. He gave a lazy shrug again, “Probably both. “My job is basically to keep secrets. I know almost everyone’s secrets, all the important people’s anyway. And I have plenty of my own secrets.” His eyes sparkled mischievously, daring Caspian to try and pull one of Roman’s secrets out of him.
“And I think I’ve made it well known that you’re my first. I don’t have many personal relationships, so I’m making this up as I go along. I’m doing what feels right... and this,” he motioned to a naked, slightly drunk, irritated Caspian, “feels right.” He finished with a wide smile. Caspian was going to have to try harder if he wanted to win.
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Post by Val on Apr 19, 2020 0:10:32 GMT
Caspian shook his head in obvious annoyance and snatched Roman's glass out of his hand, busying himself with preparing their drinks, "Have I mentioned that you're insufferable?" he asked rhetorically, knowing full well he's accused him of it before. He poured another healthy two shots and pushed one into Roman's hand before knocking his back first this time.
He pressed the back of his hand to his mouth, forcing the burning liquid down, before fixating his gaze on Roman's smug expression. "It's satisfying for you, maybe. You're not much of a giver, are you?" He stepped toward the bed and leaned forward slightly, looking like he wanted to reach out and wipe the teasing smile away, "Take, take, take. You hoard secrets like a pack rat." He pressed his palm to the center of Roman's chest and gave him a shove, "How much can you hold inside before it all becomes too much and you have to spill it out to the only person willing to listen; me."
It felt surprisingly easy to bombard Roman with all of the criticisms he'd been gathering since they met. He'd never been so blatantly honest with someone, and Roman was right about one thing; it felt right.
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Post by starrea on Apr 19, 2020 2:12:04 GMT
Roman knocked back the second shot, immediately feeling light headed. The burn wasn’t as bad this time and he didn’t cough. A heat spread from his stomach slowly outward and with it came a wave of relaxation.
He eyed Caspian boldly as Caspian stepped up to the bed and looked over him, not backing down to his presence. Roman wouldn’t be so easily intimidated or bullied. He had made a career out of bullying people into submission. Caspian was an amateur playing a professional’s game.
He scoffed at the notion, “I’ve spent my entire life holding onto these secrets. They haven’t become too much yet and I would hold my breath that they’ll become too much anytime soon.” Only the last part of what Caspian said stung a little and anger flashed through his eyes, “I don’t need anyone to listen. Up until you, I was perfectly with my solitude. But it’s nice to know you would stick around to listen.” He snapped. Caspian only pushed him back an inch before Roman leaned into the shove and glared up at Caspian; a warning that he should tread lightly.
“If I’m so insufferable,” he accused with a pointed glare, “kick me out.” It was a challenge that he knew Caspian wouldn’t take on. The alcohol was making him dangerously confident but he had faith that Caspian wouldn’t kick him out because whatever was between them was stronger than both of them.
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Post by Val on Apr 19, 2020 20:09:32 GMT
Caspian's confident glare faltered quickly and he knew he wasn't capable of even considering Roman's challenge. The hand on Roman's chest softened and he frowned, "I don't want to kick you out. That's the opposite of what I want." His hand lingered, registering the steady beat of Roman's heart before he withdrew.
Taking a step back, he poured another two shots with the knowledge that his inhibitions were about to be nonexistent. He swallowed the drink and leaned a hand against the bedside table, feeling his skin grow hot from the effects of the liquor. Since the wall Roman had built around himself was seemingly impenetrable, Caspian was formulating ways to sneak around it.
"Don't you want to know anything about me?" he questioned, turning the conversation in a different direction instead of trying to force Roman to talk about himself, "Or do you think you have me all figured out?" his eyebrow rose with a hint of mischief, "You probably haven't even considered the deep dark secrets that a simple farmer like myself could possibly hold," he goaded, his mood shifting to a more playful one as the alcohol released the tension within.
He picked up the drink he had poured for Roman and dangled it just out of reach, "Go on. Ask me something."
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Post by starrea on Apr 20, 2020 23:04:21 GMT
When Caspian softened, Roman immediately felt like an ass again. He wanted to say something, anything, to fix whatever he had broken but he stayed silent as Caspian withdrew. He watched Caspian pour another drink and he was desperate for something to numb the increasing feeling of inadequacy. He wanted Caspian, but what if he wasn’t good enough? He obviously wasn’t providing what Caspian wanted right now. His eyes followed the shot glass in Caspian’s hand - the alcohol would either make him talk, or it would make him not care about whether or not he was good enough. Roman didn’t care which scenario ended up playing out.
Caspian’s redirection was successful enough that Roman’s train of thought all but vanished. He did want to know about Caspian. He wanted to know everything. The alcohol only magnified his desire to exert his control over Caspian and not just physically. He wanted to know his thoughts, his wants and desires, his secrets. By the time Roman was through, he wanted Caspian’s world to revolve around him.
He pretended to ponder what he wanted to ask first but he already knew. His eyes followed the shot glass as Caspian teased him and he shot him a warning glare but it was more playful than anything.
“Why did you settle?” Roman asked, looking up at Caspian for a brief second, “there is no... ambition, no progress, no moving forward. How are you okay with this stagnant lifestyle?” It came out insulting but Roman was genuinely curious. His entire life revolves around his ambitions and every life choice he made was carefully calculated to push him towards his end goal. He couldn’t imagine being able to settle down with no aspirations to move forward.
The second Caspian was momentarily distracted, he swiped the shot glass from his outstretched hand and knocked it back in or fluid movement. The warmth blossomed into heat and his head swam but he held the glass back out to Caspian.
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Post by Val on Apr 21, 2020 20:39:49 GMT
Caspian allowed Roman to swipe the glass, taking in the rather disparaging line of questioning that Roman had come up with. Rather than becoming insulted, Caspian's lips twitched in amusement. His way of life was fulfilling enough to the point where he didn't feel the need to become defensive.
"You sound like my father," he chuckled, shaking his head as he took both of their glasses and placed them back on the table. He refilled them and pushed one back into Roman's hand before sitting rather unsteadily on the edge of the bed, "I have my own ambitions, my own progress. The only difference is that I do things for myself, not to please or impress other people." He studied Roman as he spoke, wondering if such notions would register with a man with such a title as the King's Advisor.
"There's a certain freedom in being completely independent. I work for no one, and no one works for me. If everyone suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, my life wouldn't change. I don't rely on anyone but myself, and my animals. I'm...content," he summarized. The alcohol was causing a persistent smile to take over his lips, so he used the glass to stifle it, knocking back yet another shot.
With a relaxed sigh, he stretched out on his side, propping his head up with one hand so he could gaze at Roman, "Does it bother you?" he felt inclined to ask, wondering if Roman lacked respect for him based on his lifestyle choices. "Don't spare my feelings," he added boldly, wanting only the truth to be shared between them.
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