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Post by starrea on May 4, 2020 1:23:13 GMT
Roman didn’t spare a glance towards Caspian as he worked on finding his clothes. He pulled his shirt on and found his jeans easily enough, but his boxers and socks must have been throw somewhere more obscure. He hunted them down while he silently seethed as he listened to Caspian talk.
He finally found his boxers beneath some of Caspian’s clothes and yanked them on. When Caspian finally got off the bed, he spun around to face him with fire in his eyes.
“Did you ever consider why they are locked up to begin with? There is one girl down there who can kill with just a single touch. There is another political prisoner. They aren’t down there for being good fucking citizens. They committed crimes.” Roman snapped, taking a slow step towards Caspian.
“You’re lucky we’re not is Raevaryn and I don’t have any jurisdiction. I’ll arrest your ass as soon as you cross the border and I won’t stick you in some room in the castle.” He sneered, his anger bubbling up to soothe the crippling insecurity. “Who the fuck is it? Who are you working with?” He snapped, taking another step forward so they were almost touching. His fists were clenched and he wasn’t feeling the same reservations about hitting Caspian this time.
“I knew this was a mistake. You fucking used me.” He spat after another second, his gaze faltering for a second to betray the hurt he felt. It was gone a second later - replaced by rage. After Caspian, he wouldn’t let anyone trick him ever again.
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Post by Val on May 4, 2020 2:56:03 GMT
Feeling far too exposed in the sudden turn of events, Caspian managed to snag his pants from the floor and yank them on just as Roman began stalking toward him. The tension in the room was palpable and he knew something had shifted irrevocably between them. He flinched as Roman described the prisoners, but couldn't shake the empathy he held for the people. Caspian always stood up for the underdogs; it didn't matter if it was abandoned animals or helpless humans, he couldn't shake his humanity.
It wasn't until he registered Roman's threat that his trust in the man finally came crashing down. He gazed up at him, mirroring the look of betrayal. For the first time since he'd met Roman, he was suddenly afraid. A bark sounded from outside the farm house, followed by various stirrings of other animals, as though they were sensing the emotions radiating from Caspian. "I'm not working with anyone," he responded coldly, "It's over. It's been over." Judging from the dangerous look in Roman's eyes, he figured that sharing the name would be a death sentence for Monroe. Roman didn't deserve the whole truth if he couldn't handle it.
"I'm not using you for anything. Why would I tell you this if I was still involved? I wanted you to know, because I trusted you." He made a point of emphasizing the past tense and stepped forward so that his chest bumped Roman's. His eyes were practically begging Roman to hit him. He wanted it to happen, so that Roman could regret doing it when all was said and done.
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Post by starrea on May 4, 2020 3:24:10 GMT
Roman only started to crack when he saw the look of betrayal flash across Caspian’s face. It wasn’t enough to make him back down, but he could feel guilt swirling around and settling in the pit of his stomach. He could feel the entire situation spinning out of control but he powerless to stop it. He needed to make Caspian feel how hurt he was, even if the very thought made him queasy with guilt.
Normally, Roman had no problem solving his problems with his fists. He wasn’t a complete barbarian and as a diplomat he usually stuck to solving disagreements through a well planned argument, but he had no problem beating the resistance out of someone. But now, even with Caspian clearly goading him on, he was having trouble raising his fist. As much as he wanted to hit Caspian, and he really, truly wanted to watch Caspian bleed right then, he couldn’t.
After a long, tense moment, Roman settled for a hard shove and pushed Caspian back, off of his feet. “Trusted me? There was your first mistake. You hardly know me.” He said with a humorless chuckle, but the joke was on him. If anything, Roman had stepped further outside of his realm of comfort than Caspian and now it was all coming crashing down.
“It doesn’t matter if you give me his name or not. I’ll find him, and when I do, I’ll kill him.” Roman said, locking gazes with Caspian to show him how deadly serious he was.
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Post by Val on May 4, 2020 5:25:57 GMT
Caspian waited, practically craving the sting that Roman's fist would leave. He needed an excuse to never see Roman again; something to confirm that this relationship wasn't worth the turmoil. But it never came. Roman's shove sent him backwards onto the bed and Caspian stared up at him, appearing disoriented for a moment. As frustrating as it was, the fact that Roman refused to harm him made him feel unreasonably emotional and attached.
Even though the physical sting never came, the emotional one hurt arguably more as Roman's words stung like daggers. His jaw tensed as he struggled to get a grip, "I know you more than anyone else," he countered. If Roman was willing to throw that connection away, then so be it.
Caspian was feeling confident in his declaration, until Roman's threat made him second guess himself immediately. If he was serious about murdering Monroe, then he didn't know the man standing in front of him at all, "If you kill him, you should be locked up with the rest of the criminals you're holding in that prison. You think think you're noble, but you're a hypocrite. And you're sick." He hoped Roman could see the respect draining from his eyes.
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Post by starrea on May 4, 2020 16:39:11 GMT
Roman looked for anything other than disgust in Caspian’s expression but he came up empty. It was for the better, he reasoned, because he wasn’t a good person. That was basically Roman’s job - he did the shit no one else wanted to do. If Caspian was disgusted by this, then he wouldn’t be able to handle the rest of Roman’s darkness. He would be consumed by it, left searching for a door handle or a light that wasn’t there. So this was for the best, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
Roman hid the pain behind a wall of anger. His fists remained clenched by his side as he glared down at Caspian, but he couldn’t argue with him. Besides Caspian, the person he was closest to was Alister - and he didn’t care to know about anything that wasn’t Nadia. Caspian had seen sides of Roman that he hadn’t even known about. It would hurt to lose such an intimate connection but emotions bred weakness. It was for the best.
Roman let out a cynical chuckle, “I’m not going to drag him into a do-it-yourself torture chamber and kill him out of revenge. He’ll be tried to the fullest extent of the law and sentenced to death for treason. I’ll personally carry out his sentence, though.” Roman had been called worse, but hearing Caspian call him sick stung like a bitch. He needed to desperately get back to a place where he didn’t give a fuck. Once he got Caspian out of his head, he vowed never to give in to this emotional bullshit ever again.
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Post by Val on May 4, 2020 19:55:03 GMT
Caspian hadn't considered the fact that it would be fully justifiable to execute Monroe for treason. As he came to this revelation, he felt a suffocating guilt begin to consume him. As much as he wanted to hate and blame Roman for this outcome, he realized it was his fault. He should have kept his mouth shut, and he shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. He hunched over and placed his face in his hands, trying to contain the overwhelming remorse in front of Roman. This is why he insisted on isolating himself; he wasn't sure he could live with being responsible for someone's death.
"Arrest me then," he managed after a moment, refusing to look up at him. Just moments ago, he was contemplating how nice it would be to have Roman protect him, but that sentiment was long gone now. "I'm just as guilty. You ought to just kill me now, so you can return to your life." The fight had faded from his voice, replaced by sadness over what was lost between them. He shouldn't have gotten his hopes up, for it seemed that they were both a lost cause.
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Post by starrea on May 4, 2020 20:42:52 GMT
Roman didn’t relent as he watched the fight drain from Caspian. Part of him was satisfied to watch the other man crack and break, but a larger part of him swirled with guilt, which it made it impossible enjoy the moment of victory. The fight was sizzling out between them and all that was left was an abundance of self-loathing and anger. Maybe now that the passion was gone, there was truly nothing between them.
He snorted, eyes cold and humorless, “Please. You’re not even a citizen of Raevaryn and nothing actually happened. Even if I did arrest you, your sentence would not be death. Stop being so melodramatic.”
Roman finished getting dressed in silence, pulling the last of his clothes on. His self-loathing was like a boulder in the pit of his stomach, weighing him down considerably. He wanted to say something to comfort the other man but it felt wrong to do so after the explosive argument. “I told you I didn’t consider you a threat against the kingdom. And I guess now, you’re not a threat to me either.” He said, eyes snapping away from Caspian. It was a clear lie but one Roman would defend until death if he had to.
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Post by Val on May 5, 2020 16:31:53 GMT
Deep down, Caspian knew that Roman was deflecting as a defense mechanism, but his words hurt nonetheless. The belittling of his emotions was starting to effect him in ways he'd never experienced before. It made him want to do something drastic to get back at Roman. As the thought entered his mind, he latched onto it, using it as strength to end this conversation before he started begging Roman to forgive him.
"You're a coward," He lifted his head and glowered at Roman, "And I'll always be a threat to you," he promised, rising from the bed. He planted himself firmly in the center of the room, a certain boldness entering his stance that wasn't there before, "Now get the fuck off my property."
He had never used his animals for violence, but in that moment it occurred to him that he held an immense amount of power over Roman. His farm could come alive in an instant and Roman would be virtually helpless. Caspian hated the intrusively dark thoughts, but his emotions were getting the better of him and he truly wanted to scare the shit out of Roman and prove to him that fear was inevitable. Perhaps just a bit of intimidation would suffice in making him feel better.
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Post by starrea on May 5, 2020 23:25:19 GMT
Something predatory flashed across Roman’s eyes as he watched Caspian stand up to him. Just like that, some of the passion between was reignited and Roman felt the intense desire to make Caspian submit to him again. Even angry and hurt, he couldn’t help but appreciate how fucking attractive Caspian looked right then.
Roman knew that staying wasn’t the smart choice - and he had literally just decided half a minute ago that he wasn’t going to let Caspian cloud his judgement anymore, so he was already moving to leave when Caspian decided to throw him out. He would have probably left, too, if Caspian hadn’t called him a coward. With that, Roman spun around and stalked back over to Caspian with a glare that could have burned holes through him.
“I fucking told you not to call me that.” He growled out, raising his hands and giving Caspian another hard shove. His fists clenched and he was itching to do something more but he couldn’t bring himself to swing. If he did, he knew he would cross a line and there would be no going back and he wasn’t ready to burn the bridge between them yet. There was something about Caspian that made him weak.
He advanced on Caspian again, closing the distance between them. The air was so thick with tension that Roman was nearly choking on it but kept his glare trained on Caspian and his breathing even. Caspian has challenged him and Roman wouldn’t back down now.
“Fuck you, you push and push and push until I snap. This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t fucking pushed it.” He growled, tone thick with accusation.
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Post by Val on May 6, 2020 3:54:00 GMT
Caspian knew that his defiance would only result in provoking Roman. He braced himself for the anticipated shove, only falling back a single step. As much as he wanted to gain the upperhand, Roman had already closed the small space between them, relentlessly intent on overpowering him.
Feeling cornered, he shoved his hands against Roman's chest, getting increasingly tired of being pushed around, "I push?" he countered, slamming his palms against Roman again to make a point, "You asked for my secrets and I gave you what you wanted, just like I always do. What is it that you want now, hmm? For me to roll over and beg for your forgiveness?"
It was cathartic to yell at Roman. Even if nothing got through to the man, it was exhilarating to throw all his flaws into his face and wait to see how he would react. Perhaps he was playing with fire, but it was a thrill he was growing to crave, even if this particular moment was emotionally distressing. He was blinded now that the passion had reignited between them and, as much as he wanted to deny it, he didn't want Roman to leave. The conflicting feelings were enough to give him whiplash, but Roman was making it so he didn't really have a choice in the matter anyway.
"If you can't handle the truth, fine. See how long you can keep up the delusion that you're in control. I'll never make this easy for you; it's not meant to be easy." If Roman wanted easy, he would've picked someone else a long time ago.
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Post by starrea on May 6, 2020 18:40:10 GMT
Roman knew that he should have left. Even now, he knew that he should turn the fuck around and walk out and push Caspian out of his head and out of his life. But he couldn’t, even if he really wanted to, because now that Caspian was standing up to him, Roman was completely hooked on him. When Caspian slammed his hands into Roman’s chest, all he could think about was how this man was going to destroy him and he wouldn’t do a damn thing about it.
He leaned into the pressure Caspian put on him, eyes darkening as Caspian taunted him. “No,” He practically spat, “I don’t want you to beg for forgiveness. I want you to know exactly what I am so that if we go any further, you don’t have a single fucking excuse.” He paused, letting the words hang in the air.
“You want to know me? This is me. I’ve killed 37 people. I killed my first person when I was 13 years old. He was 15, and he beat the shit out of me when we were little. I got bigger, stronger, and smarter and I made him bleed until there was nothing left. He was the only person I killed out of personal revenge. I killed 9 more people by the age of 20, mostly through my training and conflict. I’ve executed 17 people who were sentenced to die, and the last 3 were more or less carefully orchestrated accidents. I’ve used almost every method you can think of, but I’m partial to using my fists. There is nothing that can compare to the feeling of absolute power when you beat someone’s face into an unrecognizable pulp... for a moment, I’m their God. I decide if they live or die. I did that to them. I’m not going to pretend I regret what I did or that I’m not going to do it again. I’ll do whatever is necessary for my King and my kingdom. So that’s who I am, those are the skeletons in my closet.”
Roman was nearly out of breath by the time he finished. It wasn’t even close to all of the skeletons in his closet but it would suffice for now. He found himself bracing for the inevitable look of disgust and he finally leaned away from Caspian, taking a step back and putting space between them. He couldn’t be that close to him, not when he was almost certain that Caspian would tell him to get lost.
He couldn’t wait for Caspian to reject him. He needed to end things on his terms before Caspian broke him down to pieces. “Fuck, I should just leave. This was a fucking mistake.” He didn’t move, though. He just remained rooted to his spot.
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Post by Val on May 6, 2020 22:20:59 GMT
The color had drained from Caspian's face long before Roman finished speaking. His expression went slack and he practically melted under Roman's intensity, his problems suddenly seeming small and insignificant in comparison. It wasn't disgust that registered on his face, but shock. He didn't know what to say. He'd been effectively stunned into silence and he held his breath until Roman finally stepped back.
The moment there was space between them, Caspian felt himself back pedaling until his legs hit the edge of the bed and he could sit down. His eyes remained locked on Roman, wide but void of any particular emotion. He needed a minute for the information to settle. His mind was racing and he felt something close to a panic attack coming on.
"Don't leave," he blurted out, the words escaping him before they had even registered in his mind, "Just...stay." He didn't know what he was thinking, but he couldn't bear the idea of Roman leaving after dropping such a bomb on him. He knew he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it if he were left alone.
He could tell that this admission was just scratching the surface when it came to Roman, but things were starting to make sense now. Caspian had a penchant for seeking out the most misunderstood creatures. Roman was perhaps the most misunderstood being he'd ever encountered. But the thing about Caspian was, he never gave up on someone.
37 people and Roman appeared to remember every single one in detail. If he didn't regret it, then what was it he felt that made him the way he was? "Why won't you hurt me? I know you want to," he asked quietly, fixating Roman with a cautious look.
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Post by starrea on May 7, 2020 2:29:24 GMT
Mistakes always hurt - without pain, there was no improvement. Roman accepted that. Even though he was a perfectionist, Roman had learned to see mistakes as tools to help him evolve and improve. It didn’t stop them from hurting like a bitch, though. Some hurt his pride and others hurt physically, but that was life and all Roman could do was learn and adapt. But out of all of the mistakes he had made - even the one that resulted in the long, pink scar on his right side near his hip - this one hit him the hardest. The look on Caspian’s face knocked all of the air out of his lungs. Regret washed over him like a bucket of icy water and he stood there, just as shocked as Caspian. Even though he logically assumed this would happen, he was still surprised.
Caspian’s plea for him to stay wasn’t enough. He wanted to leave but his feet wouldn’t move. He hadn’t ever done anything like that before. He had never, not once, spoken the number of people he had killed out loud and he suddenly realized how fast he was spiraling out of control. He remembered when he was younger, he used to struggle with strong, overpowering emotions - but mostly only anger. He realized he couldn’t even confidently identify the emotions he was struggling with. They were so strong and so sudden and he was powerless.
Roman realized he still hadn’t moved when Caspian’s question drew him back. He blinked, trying to make sense of his thoughts. He was itching to do something, anything to get himself out of his head and back to how things usually were, but he couldn’t. Things were broken and Roman couldn’t take back what he said.
“I... can’t. I want to, but I can’t. Your eyes... I don’t want you to look at me like that. If I hit you, you’ll never stop looking at me like that.” He paused, looking over his shoulder at the door. It was tempting. He had never run before, never even had the desire, but he felt like he was suffocating. “You make me weak and out of control. I’ve spent years, most of my life, to working my way up to where I am and you just turned my world upside down. I want to hate you. I want to leave. But I can’t bring myself to do either. But I want to hurt you, like you keep hurting me. I want to make you feel weak and out of control.” He paused again once he realized that his voice was starting to rise with each word. He took a deep breath before he continued, “But I also want to make your heart beat fast like you make mine. And all the other shit you make me feel because I can’t believe I went my entire like without even knowing that this was out there.”
Roman finished, unsure of what he had rambled about even made sense. He took a step back away from Caspian, towards the door. There wasn’t enough air in here because he couldn’t fucking breathe. And for the first time in well over a decade, Roman truly had no idea what the fuck to do next.
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Post by Val on May 7, 2020 19:09:17 GMT
Caspian looked away when Roman mentioned his eyes, wishing he could hide how shell shocked he was. Part of him felt guilty for the obvious pain that Roman was in right now, even though he knew it wasn't his fault. His desire to heal Roman was overpowering all of the fear and confusion. He already knew that he couldn't turn away now, not after he'd finally cracked Roman open. After all, that's what he had wanted. Now that he was faced with the facts, it was incredibly daunting to continue, but Caspian had already decided that there was no other choice.
"Stay," he insisted once more as Roman took a step toward the door. He slowly rose from the bed, but remained cautious, as though he were dealing with a frightened animal that could flee at any second, "Please stay," he repeated, moving toward him slowly.
He finally met Roman's gaze again and, although his eyes still held some wariness, there was a certain tenderness in their depths, "You think I don't feel those things?" he asked incredulously, "I've never felt more out of control in my life. I feel like my world has been turned upside down ten different times since I've met you. I can barely think straight when I'm with you, and if you haven't felt my heart pounding then you just haven't been paying attention," he paused and took a deep breath, "Maybe I should let you go, but I can't. I won't." he emphasized, a promise in his voice.
He stopped a pace away from Roman and waited, wanting so badly to prove that he didn't judge him for the things he had shared. "I want to trust you," he said quietly. Although the trust between them had been fractured, he refused to believe that it was gone forever.
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Post by starrea on May 7, 2020 21:26:17 GMT
Caspian’s plea for Roman to stay was enough to stop him from fleeing. The temptation was still there but Roman knew that even if he left, there was no way he could go back to being the person he was before he met Caspian. Caspian had irreversibly and irrevocably changed him and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.
Roman tensed up when Caspian started slowly approaching him. It was an involuntary reaction. He was in fight-or-flight mode as he desperately tried to regain control over himself. He remained silent as Caspian spoke, remaining surprisingly impassive. His mind was in survival mode and it was hard for him to believe anything Caspian was saying. It wasn’t until several long moments had passed after Caspian finished speaking that Roman finally responded.
“I want to trust you too,” Roman admitted softly, surprising himself. In fact, Roman had virtually no reason not to trust Caspian. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He had spent years having the lesson of never trusting anyone ground into him. He had not only survived, but thrived because of his lack of trust in others. Trusting others was just downright unnatural for Roman.
Throughout all of this, perhaps the most glaringly obvious thing Roman had learned about himself was that he just wasn’t good enough when it came to Caspian. For the first time, his accomplishments and job didn’t mean a damn thing. Besides that, he had nothing. He was in way over his head with no way to save himself. If he stayed, he was just going to keep hurting Caspian.
“This is your way out. I’ll leave and I’ll never bother you again. I’ll make sure no one from Raevaryn messes with your farm. But if I stay, then I’m going to keep hurting you because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m not exactly easy to get along with. I have a whole fucking graveyard in my closet. It’s going to be dark and ugly.” He said slowly. He finally looked Caspian in the eyes but his expression was neutral.
“And for trust, you can trust that I’ll always do what I think is best for you. No one but me will ever hurt you again.” And Roman meant that. He wanted to be the one to cause him pain and he wanted to be the one to make it go away. Even if Caspian told him to walk away right now, Roman would still make sure that he was protected, even from a distance. When it came to the things that mattered, Roman always did whatever it took to do what was necessary.
“Just tell me what you want.” He said, his words carefully void of emotion. He needed Caspian to know exactly what he was getting himself into by asking Roman to stay.
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